Entry of My Life
by CuTii3Pii3
Summary: "Tears streamed down my face as I realized, a year too late, that he loved me too." He made the one he loved hate him to keep her from grieving. How was she to know?


**A/N: Okay, so my friend loves to write. She just recently started writing stories like me. "I wish there was someone besides everyone I know to see it," she'd told me. So I told her to write it up for me and I'll post it for her. I for one think this is a very interesting start. You see, she created a boy in her head called Julian and fell in love with him. And with that began _Entry of My Life..._**

It had been raining for more than a week. So much rain. It made everything seem so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me this week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here to see me and went to meet her at a nearby Seven-Eleven. She was standing there alone under the protruding roof, clutching her red umbrella in her hand. Her friend had dropped her off. She was shivering, looking weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said,"You shouldn't come see me anymore. Times have changed. We can't be together." I could tell she had been expecting this. It hadn't been the first time I had said those very words to her.

"I miss you," she sighed forlornly. And it hadn't been the first time she had said those very words to me, either. Didn't she realized how they cut me? I decided that if she was just going to make my heart ache, then I didn't want to see her.

"Let's go," I told her icily,"I'll take you home."

She didn't move to open her umbrella. I knew she wanted to share mine. To be close to me. I simply turned and strode away.

"Let's go," I called again over my shoulder. She reluctantly opened her umbrella and jogged, to keep pace with my long stride, to the car.

It was silent for a while as we made our way through town in my black Camry. She stared out the rain streaked window as the people and the stores whizzed by. She told me that she hadn't gotten a chance to eat earlier and asked if we could stop at a restaurant or something.

"No." I answered in a hard voice.

Dissapointed, she told me to take her to the nearest subway; she would take the train home.

Maybe it was the rain, but all the trains were packed with people holding umbrellas and suitcases, eager to get home. We waited for about and hour before she glanced at me innocently. I'd seen that look before. Being together for so long, of course I knew how she felt. I understood how she must feel when she came all this way in these harsh conditions, and I treat her like this. Seeing her eyes staring softly at me, I could feel the guilt crash over me in an emotional wave. I thought about suggesting that she stay with me for the night.

But reality struck again, and I said instead,"Let's try another one."

We used to live one the same floor in an apartment building. Back then there were four of us and we got along well. We would watch movies together, and go camping in the woods and the only arguements we got into was what kind of pizza to order. We were more than just friends. We were family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the group. It was the last year of college and we had been living together for 2 years that we had begun to develop these deep feelings for eachother. After she graduated, she returned home and I stayed for one more year to finish school. Every now and then and on holidays, I would go down to see her. That was how we maintained the treasured relationship.

We were walking alongside the road, with her slightly in front of me. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked like a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle as she stumbled along weakly. She was so lost in her thoughts that she kept wandering in front of oncoming traffic. I wanted to take her in my arms and keep her safe forever but with an ever-present pain in my abdomen and a heavy heart, I did nothing. As we walked, we passed the park that we always used to go to. She seemed to light up like a Christmas tree.

"Can we go in? Please? I promise I'll go right home after this," she begged. My cold heart softened at the look on her wide eyed, hopeful face. It didn't stop me from putting up an annoyed facade as we entered, though.

I sat down on a bench and crossed my arms over my chest as she wandered into the shadows to look for the tree. We did everything in this park. We'd sometimes come hear and do homework and one day while we had been doing just that under the large oak tree, she pulled out one of those crazy Gel-pens she was so fond of and wrote on the smooth bark:

_Luv 4ever_

_Julian+Susan_

We had come back countless times, and it would always be there, the glittery silver declaration of love never chipping away or fading. She was looking around for quite a while before she walked back to me slowly, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Julian," she choked,"I can't find it. It's not there anymore."

As was expected whenever I was in Susan's company, a tidal wave of emotion crashed over me but I was careful to keep me expression carefully composed. The first thing I felt was shock. It had always stayed. Why would it be gone now? And then I took a second look at her anguished expression and felt my heart squeeze and rattle and quite possibly rip in two. Before Susan, I had always thought that broken hearts were just high school melodrama. But if that was true, than why did I no longer feel whole? How could the excruciating tearing sensation in my chest be explained? Her words echoed through me head and chilled the depths of my soul. _It's not there anymore._

Again, I fought the urge to cradle her to my body and murmur comforting words to her and said irritably,"Can we go now?"

I stood up to leave, but she just stood there, not wanting to go. Desperately trying to convince herself that there was still a chance.

"You made up that story of you and that other girl, didn't you. I know I frustrate you and it's hard sometimes but I can change. Can't we start over?"

There were no words for that. I didn't say anything and just looked down and shook my head. Truth was, I was trying to save her the heartache.

Four years ago, I had gone to the doctor. What started as a simple check up ended up in my diagnosis with cancer. The doctor said they had caught it early and it was still curable. So I started to live my normal life again. I had all but forgotten about the cancer within a month and did not go back to see the doctor. Now that I think about it, I think maybe my subconcious was apprehensive about what I would hear. So I put it all out of my head. My life was so normal that I fell into a lull.

It was about a month ago that the nightmare awakened me again. My stomach had been aching for two weeks straight. I refused to think the worst though. At first, I thought it would go away but it had gone from uncomfortable to painful to absolutely unbearable. I went back to the hospital for and MRI and it proved the truth that I did not want believe. My life was at its peak and yet it was coming to an abrupt end.

I knew it would be hard for the people I love to see me go slowly and painfully so I had to take desperate measures. They would not see me frail and bald in a hospital bed as I wheezed my last breaths. I would make sure of that.

But I couldn't let anyone know my intentions. Especially Suzie, the person I loved most in this world. So I turned cold and cruel and lied to her, hoping she would grow to hate me so when I left, she would not have to grieve. It was a horrible thing to do and it broke her frail little heart but it was the fastest way to wipe out all of these feelings. I didn't have much time though. Soon I would start loosing my hair and with her fequent visits, she'd find out eventually. I was succeeding, I could tell. Her visits were becoming no less frequent but when I would snap at her now, she would snap right back. Her sighs were no longer lonely and sad but frustrated huffs of breath. It would all be over soon.

We soon gave up on the trains and I called a taxi for her. We just stood there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence. I saw the taxi's bright yellow bulk in the distance. I turned to Susan and said, "Take good care of yourself."

She nodded slightly and opened up the mishaped umbrella as the car pulled up. I stepped out with her and opened the door for her, then, when she had slid in, closed the door that would cut me off from her forever. I stared at the darkly tinted window knowing she would be staring right back at me. My first and last love.

My life.

The car pulled out onto the glossy street. As it got farther away, I could feel the twist in my heart that would always be more painful than the one in my stomach tighten. On impulse, I started running after the car not wanting this to be how our last meeting went. But I could wait no longer. I wanted to tell her to stay. I wanted to tell her I still love her. I wanted to tell her so much but it was too late for the taxi had already turned the corner. My warm tears blended with the rain. I no longer had my umbrella and I think it was cold but I was too numb to care.

She did not see my tears as the rain disguised them. Since then, I had not gotten a single call from her. And that was how I knew I had truly succeeded. I longed to tell her all that ripped me apart at the seems but this was the right thing to do. I must leave without regrets. Time is up.

Time is up.

oOoOoOo

He called me Suzie. He had not called me that in so long, the name almost seemed foreign. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized a year too late, reading his diary, that he loved me too. And he may very well have been thinking about this when he died.

_I love you, my Julian._

**A/N: So yeah. Totally angsty. When I downloaded the document I labled it 'Julian's Girl's Angsty Diary Entry'. It seemed fit. So, EMA, you owe me for this.**

**Your CuTii3Pii3 ;)**


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